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Saturday, October 28th, 2017
11:02 pm - Steev
I guess it's fitting that whenever I come back to lj I've been thinking about him. Anyone who says no regrets has never realised how many chances there were to reach out, to mend things, before someone they cared about killed themselves. It's funny to think at one point I was in a worse place than him. I don't really remember how I felt, how I acted back then. But it wasn't good. Now I'm stressed, tired, overworked. But I have an amazing daughter. I have a business I feel proud of. I found a guy who would put up with my "brokeness" and I didn't need someone to fix me, I guess I just patched myself up along the way. I wish I could let him know that he wasn't wrong about that potential he saw. I wish he'd been able to see it in himself.

I don't believe in God, but I hope for something, some sort of afterlife where people can realise they're at peace. I hope he is at peace. I hope he has unlimited access to every streaming movie and tv show. I wish he'd had more time to travel, I wish someone had managed to reach him, to pull him back to living in the world. Because he was gone for a long time before he died. I should have tried. I would say should have tried harder but I never really tried at all. Life went on, He emailed me one day asking for a bolognaise recipe. I should have made an effort to stay in touch. He was lonely. someone should have made more of an effort.

current mood: melancholy

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Friday, September 6th, 2013
8:23 pm - Long time coming
First post in 5 years.

An absolute shitload can happen in 5 years,

For the first time since starting this, nobody is reading it. It's just for me. Damn I got serious. Going to get some stream of consciousness going to knock me out of the mundane.

I have a child. That's crazy. She's crazy. She sings and dances and is very happy and generally reminds me entirely of me at her age. Must make sure she doesn't get broken.
Single parent now apparently. woop woop.

Steven is gone. That's the main news. That's what matters. When it happened, earlier in the year, I was too concerned with keeping my current suicidal fiance alive, I couldn't get caught up in it. Now.. ten year anniversary.
I miss him. I think he would understand the way I miss him. Always the possibility to reconnect.

More later

current mood: nostalgic

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Friday, April 18th, 2008
11:55 pm - I love the Blue Jays
I have nothing interesting to post. which isn't much of a change. but it's fun. i have a lot more time on my hands now i don't spend all my free time making up cocktail lists or trying to perfect the bacon and maple syrup martini. 

This time in 3 weeks I'll be in Canada. I am ever so slightly excited. It seems to be a time for visits from or visiting long lost family members. Hmm had a job interview this morning and she did ask if i would be coming back canada. i said i thought so. maybe i'll just live illegally on my uncles farm. would be fun. i'm sure nicki could find someone to live in my room and pay my mortgage. 

I miss livejournal.

current mood: mellow

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Monday, November 29th, 2004
11:01 pm - um.. thank you?
before i begin.. pretzels in stick form? genius.

my boss threatened to kill me today. he occasionally does that. today i suspect he actually meant it. funny thing is he threatened to kill me over garfield. the movie. i could understand if it was about star wars or maybe mean girls, but no. garfield. anyway i incurred wrath. no matter.

this thing happened. there was someone, and he blamed himself for the death of another person. but then somehow, after talking to me, he spoke to his family about it for the first time, and now he doesn't believe he was responsible and doesn't feel guilty anymore. it's very surprising. that you can have that much of an effect on somebody else. or that anything you say can actually help. what's even stranger is that i managed to have a fairly impressive breakdown in front of another real live person and let them try to help me. this happened in september, and to say i cried like a girl would be an understatement.

but afterwards, and ever since, i have felt so much better, like i'm finally fixed or something.

it's always slightly disturbing to realise that you've started to act like an adult. so naturally you have to spend at least an hour jumping in the deepest puddles around while resorting to hairpulling and slapping, in order to reassert your childishness.

i must sleep, perhaps i only updated in honour of the daisy rediscovering her journal, but before i go, just a quick reminder that the ultimate action film is none other than.. bambi. no seriously. guns, death, blood, running, storms, fire.. what more can possibly be asked for? surely nothing.

current mood: chipper

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Tuesday, September 28th, 2004
11:21 pm - Soup!!
i have decided that minions have more disadvantages than i first thought.

plus side - delegation, less stress.
downside - lack of sleep from too much planning of their days. i get blamed for all their fuckups as well as my own.

i hear congratulations are in order. so. congratulations! it reminds me how i was planning a september wedding but it was scuppered by the lack of trained monkeys that can be found at short notice. and burt bacharach. with his pesky schedule.

such is life

current mood: complacent

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Saturday, January 31st, 2004
7:34 pm - I appear to be in pain
woke up in the middle of the night, no idea where i was, with the worst cramp ever. Then i fell off the bed. it wasn't good. interestingly i seem to have acquired a lovely moet and chandon candle holder. it's glass and very heavy. it might be connected to having a burnt finger.

am going through a very book and filmy phase just now. tonight am staying in because saturday is the only night when i can get lots of sleep and i've totally wasted it the last few weeks by not going to bed.

i bored myself

current mood: bored

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Thursday, January 29th, 2004
4:19 pm - dot dot dot
what happened to the weather? where is the snow? ok so we have about 2 inches, but seriously it was far colder than this in december. it's very upsetting. i will not endure getting called han solo for no good reason.

happenings. ooh since the oscar nomination the lost in translation soundtrack has been playing at work, although don't think anyone else has been to see it yet. i was very impressed, especially considering i've never really liked bill murray and have had issues with scarlett johansson ever since the horse whisperer. and how fortunate that sofia coppola decided to go with directing instead of acting.

oh i finally gave blood. it was very strange and i briefly thought i was going to die, or at least never come back. not with the actual giving, but getting to the place. went through main door of hospital and followed the signs. up to the stage where there were only signs for blood transfusion and the mortuary. hmm. then i ended up in some freezing cold stairwell. with a sign on the fire escape saying donors this way. so out into the blizzard i go. i think the plan is to make you so scared on the way there that when you actually arrive it's such a relief you'd give 6 pints of blood. so it was fun. my carer was ray, he knows someone from hmv, and next time i go i get a badge!

the best thing about it all though was drinking afterwards. i'm sure if they changed their slogan to 'give blood, get drunk fast' it would be so much more popular. hmm anyway.

lots to write. actual things which are important. but too much to do, can't sit and think about them. maybe more later

current mood: awake

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Tuesday, January 20th, 2004
9:34 pm - And so...
I thought it would be interesting to resurrect this journal. or any journal. i appear to have been uninspired to write as of late, possibly due to working 50 hour weeks for many months. but now seems a good time to start again.

everything has gone a little crazy since about the middle of november. life seems to have gotten increasingly complicated but i'm not sure if that's a bad thing. new year was.. strange and interesting. for example spent it with more people and actually pretty close friends than i have done in a while. but it just seemed to make it more obvious that people were missing.

there is so much in my head that can't possibly go in my first post back, but it is generally not bad stuff. so. maybe there is hope for our future lj? maybe.

well i should go. too much writing makes me nervous

current mood: contemplative

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Wednesday, August 13th, 2003
9:48 pm - all good things
i know i said i'd never post here again, but it's a special occasion.

my doggy died last night. well we had him put down. it's strange how we could tell it was coming but it was so sudden. and it was sunny and peaceful and he was happy. so i'm told. i was at work because at good closure as it would have been i'm glad i just said goodbye when he was still lying under the desk as usual and wagging his tail. oh you're going? bye then. i wore my lucky beads to work for the first time in ages.

he was the best dog anyone could wish for.

everything is so strange. i keep seeing the white tree moving and thinking it's him, or leaving food at the side of my plate for him to eat. i was upset when our last dog died, but he was always so independant and cranky, he was missed, but it felt more like we'd lost an annoying yet lovable uncle or something.

my dad is so lost. i think he's taken it the worst. maybe because he's spent so much time with him the last year that he hasn't had with any other dog. i dunno,

and the weirdest thing happened today, this tall skinny guy was shouting to me as i was coming up the steps in the centre. it was kind of 'alright? how you doing?' and i thought hmm he's blocking my path, is he a crazy type? but no, he saw me at the vets yesterday with montie and was just wondering if i was ok.

i am. ok. we're going to get his ashes and take them up on his favourite walk. with maltesers. it'll be good.

he was never my minion... i think maybe i was his.

and i wish my montie well.

current mood: sad

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Wednesday, July 2nd, 2003
6:53 pm - this is it
i'm so fucking pissed off with live journal. in my years of keeping it there has only been badness... so fuck it... i'm done. it's fair enough posting my thoughts about me here but it's a fucking internet site and other people have the right to their privacy.

i'll not delete it. because as i've learned, it's good to know what i was thinking at certain points. but i won't be back. and it's a relief. goodbye lj.. hope you have a happy and successful life.


current mood: pissed off

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5:06 pm - fxxking bxxxxxding finger!!
just as my hand was nearing useability again. i decide to cut my finger with a knife. fuckity fuck. have managed to bleed through two plasters but i think it's stopping now. well to the extent where i can type two lines before i drip on the keyboard. my head hurts

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3:30 pm - 'fook off!! now i've dropped me fag"
yeah.. so...

london was great.. too good. it might have been the best holiday i've ever had. there was no falling out, or me being too tired or ill to do things. it's taken 7 1/2 fucking years but finally i can go out and about all day for 5 days without having to worry about resting or having a breakdown in a shop. ok i was a bit weird at the airport on the way back, but i think it was just cause i'd been so relaxed then realised i had to go back to everything. and sure enough within an hour of being home i was in my worst mood for many a time. it's a joy being back. on the plus side my hand is healing. well there's still a lump there and if anyone knocks against it i feel a great need to kick them in the shins.. but my rings almost never get stuck anymore!

hmv is fun. well. i have music anyway. and someone wanted to reserve two a-team dvds today. and it is the highest paid of all high street retailers.. woo! although i think my training person may hate me cause i went to wimbledon and she didn't. she did get very upset about it. and there is almost no awkwardness with andy. this is good seeing as he's my mentor. but i don't answer to him.. very important. the only downside is the fire 'alarms' but also handy cause hmv staff gather next to boots staff so i get to speak to linzi and margaret and the likes.

fairways is also good. with customers and such. regulars are good.. it's friendly, but not so good for the tips. so. i work Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights this week. have a day off from both jobs on Sunday!!! woo! well it would be if i didn't have essay to do. damn.

oh and i got my court summons or whatever the fuck it is. at least i'm a witness for the prosecution. but not too keen on meeting up with that fucking nutcase taxi driver again. it's not as if i don't have enough reasons to dislike martin bain as it is. and remind me never to go anywhere with christina and anne again. jeeesus.

hmm. it occurs. i now get 30% discount at hmv and waterstones. free meals at fairways. free golf if i should ever feel the need. and discount on drinks. this is interesting. now if only i had money to spend at these places...

current mood: bitchy

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Sunday, June 22nd, 2003
12:31 am - so how much do you.. ?
it's so fucking freaky that the entire front page of at least one national newspaper is devoted to the murder of a little girl who lived so close to, well, my gran, steev, me, many others. who went to our primary school? i know this happened a fair while ago, but when you wake up and all the details are over the front pages... it's so insane.

i don't really know how to switch to my usual style now, cause, generally i tend to write with the impression of not giving a fuck about anything. except i do. a lot. it's amazing how egocentric i am because i can make a post that was about that end up being all about me and my problems. i do care. really. maybe too much. so i run away and hide. apparently it's typical.

so i got the job at hmv. they called yesterday and when i phoned back was convinced i hadn't got it. but yes. this is weird. considering the interview may have been the most awkward experience of my life. imagine being in the same room as a guy you once pulled and then screwed over. imagine this happening at a job interview.. yay!

am not sure how much i really want to work there. maybe it'll be good. am enjoying fairways a lot though. i think i might end up doing mornings at hmv, afternoons studying, then nights at fairways. will be good if it stops me being a slacker and drinking and such though. also woo i get to go to aberdeen for training!

anyway fuck it i'm done

current mood: blah

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Saturday, June 21st, 2003
2:33 am - i am so useful
i am once again employed.. have done my first day, or nights work in ever so long. and it was fun!! a 40th birthday party for 80 or so people. my fingers hurt from the buttons on the till though. i may get blisters tomorrow.

there was almost a tragic accident after everyone had left i almost fell out of a window. was standing on squishy chair, in heels, pulling streamers off the ceiling. and the speaker scared me. it was so close!

and only. ooh. 9 1/2 hours till i get to go back. woo! although tomorrow i serve food. am dreading. much prefer bar work with drunken customers than actually having to go and talk to sober ones..

mmm.. macaroni pies are soo good.

think i might go sleep now. sleep happy.

current mood: sleepy

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Friday, June 20th, 2003
4:09 pm - it's finally happened
after 13 years the dog has worked out how to stamp his foot when he wants things. joy.

i've been reminiscing. someone else has been doing this, or maybe someone told me i was. i forget. it's very strange. i even dug out the little red laptop that could in an endeavour to find records of stuff beyond the last year or so. because my live journal is a bit too cryptic even for me. damn. and letters! how i love letters. they are so papery and move aroundable. hmm. anyway many things i had forgotten. partly that the last two summers have been pretty damn good. with people home and sun and socialising and stuff. this year so far has been very.. huh. although weirdly i have been more sociable than i usually am so i have hope for good things.

i think my minidisc player might have died from lack of love and attention. also it smells vaguely of peach schnapps so that may also be a factor. ok, it's not been played since at least last September.. so, interesting experiment, what was i listening to back then? hmm the ataris. how.. expected.

i think i've been experiencing sugar hangovers.. or withdrawal symptoms. something. i seriously considered candy floss on toast for breakfast. this is not my fault. i'm young and impressionable. yup.

my mum just emailed to ask if i could take prawns out of the freezer because she tried the house phone, my mobile, my dad's line and his mobile and couldn't get through on any of them. It worries me that we have 4 phone lines in the house and yet can't be contacted.

so i should go. eat strawberries. fill out form so that i'll actually get paid for working. always good.

current mood: blank

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Tuesday, June 17th, 2003
7:48 pm - uhh. yay?
so, i start work on Friday night at 7. then on Saturday at 12.. and after that they shall see if i'm useless or not. tomorrow interview at hmv. will be interesting, and i suspect more of an interview than today where it was really 'hi. when can you start? you climb over that fence to get in'

yes it has always been my goal to find a job where i can climb a fence and walk through a field to get there. no really. well, i didn't realise it was my goal till today.

otherly, new car arrived today. woo! cd player. this is far more of an incentive than any other for me to drive again. except the car will be spending most of it's like parked in a place out of town. grr.

so. ooh. i have a candy floss experiment to try. it may prove interesting. but more on that later.

and we're not sure if the deer is boy or girl.. am bad with that sort of thing. but at the moment deirdre and doris are popular for a girl, and douglas or eric for a boy. personally i like flower. it's so very bambi, but with a twist. and it does seem to like eating roses. hmm

current mood: bored

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Monday, June 16th, 2003
12:54 pm - eeeeeeeee! sugar high!!!
i love my dad's job!! on Friday he got sent a box of crisps of various flavours to 'test' today..

candyfloss and popcorn!!! eeeeeeee!!!!! must stop eating the sugary goodness. but so so pleasant and melty. like edible pink clouds. mmmm

is it wrong that i'm sooo excited about finding nemo? and i don't even like fish!!

ok, calming thoughts. tomorrow i have interview at fairways, on Wednesday hmv. problem? both looking for weekend staff. damn. sadly one of my talents is not cloning myself for job purposes. ah well. we will see what transpires. transpires. yes i am to be studying again.

and there is a deer in the garden?? is the candyfloss making me hallucinate? i will be back....

awww. we have a bambi.. an ickle roe deer wandering around. neighbours been spending half the morning trying to get it out of his vegetable patch. hmm. needs a name.

right. yes good. off i go..

current mood: giddy

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Saturday, June 14th, 2003
7:49 pm - so what you gonna do now?
hmm. in the last 4 days i've completed silent hill 2 and splinter cell. damn. now i need new games and have no money to buy them. also the endings of both kinda sucked. splinter cell i got stuck at the abatoir for months and months.. then got through the last 2 missions in two days. i was sad. and now i have nothing to do.. need a job. need money. also need to study.

i suspect hmv won't give me a job once they find out i'm not staying here. they seem to like keeping their staff. it would be easy enough to lie, but sadly knowing henry and andy and the likes, they'll know that i'm not planning staying. ah what to do. also interview not till wednesday, so even if they wanted me to start straightaway it would be thursday at earliest, then i'm leaving a few days later. and even if i do get that i'll be looking for another job too cause it's very part time.

and there's a fucking fly in my wine. yes i did just wipe red wine all over blue jeans. fool.

and have i mentioned before the being too many martins in the world? cause if so then i'll do it again. what the hell is the deal with that? today i met michelle's new boyfriend.. you'll never guess what his name is? brian. no i jest. martin. have worked out that i now know at least 12 martins to talk to, various others i don't really know.. if they could just get rid of martins, and susans, and capricorns.. well then i wouldn't know anyone so maybe not so good.

golf is such a silly sport

current mood: thoughtful

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Thursday, June 12th, 2003
4:08 pm - ooh kitties!!
today was a good day.. a very good day. there were very lovely staff in all the shops i was in..

ooh was walking down the high street. and was thinking hmm charity people are up here again, and who should i meet but the same guy who tried to get me to work for them back down in glasgow! would have been very insulted if he hadn't remembered me but yay! he did. so we stood and chatted a while. it was fun. also he may be the cutest person i have ever met. and so very very pleasant. i likes nice sweet people.

from there i had nice staff person apologise to me in pentangle for the woman who jumped the queue ahead of me. and i was happy and cheery and it was all good.

then.. went to hmv. and andy was indeed there.. so handed in application to him and he says he'll put in a good word for me with the powers that be.

ooh and i saw my stalker as well, which was creepy cause i was just thinking how i miss having a stalker and maybe i'd need to start recruiting for a new one. but nobody could ever be as creepy or evil as kirsty. no indeed.

tonight i go for dinner, at the place i was going to go and grovel for a job. but i may just be friendly and pleasant and save the grovelling for next week.

current mood: pleased

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Wednesday, June 11th, 2003
7:59 pm - 'you changed the scenery, but not the fucking situation'
oh this is all wrong. none of this is what was meant to happen. it was one or the other. not a bad bad mix of both.

i am lost.

i put permanent on my hmv application. i'm tired of being temporary.

i never know what to do, and whenever i make a decision it's usually for the wrong reasons.

just want an end.. or a beginning.. something.

but that doesn't seem likely..

current mood: pessimistic

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